You know those vests they have for carrying a bunch of 40mm grenades? Well I carried a grenade launcher but all of my grenade pouches contained the squad’s basic load of Rip-Its. “But if we were getting to go on a two-week patrol inside Taliban territory and you had room in your ruck, you didn’t carry spare batteries or another belt of machinegun ammo. “When I get home and tell people I survived seven tours to Afghanistan and four to Iraq purely on caffeine and hate, people think I’m kidding,” explained former US Army Ranger Tom Shergood. Not everyone is pleased about the announcement putlawing Rip-It though. “Troops in my own unit are dangerous experimenting with ripitol, going so far as to hold inter-platoon “case races.” I don’t think I have to tell you how THAT ended.” “This is a dangerous drug, known to make troops who overdose combat ineffective,” said the sergeant major of the 75th Ranger Regiment. Because of this startling revelation, the US Attorney General, acting on the advice of the Drug Enforcement Agency and the FDA, is now forcing Rip-It cans to carry a drug warning for its active ingredient, “ripitol.” In fact, in both composition and effect, a can of Rip-It is exactly the same as a hit of crystal meth. As it turns out, a single 8-ounce serving of Rip-It boosts testosterone, aggression, and ESP by as much as 200% in soldiers of both genders. One small can of Rip-It is supposed to provide enough concentrated energy for an entire 6-month deployment, but troops are guzzling them down like Jaeger shots at a sorority girl’s 21st birthday party. Rip-It has definitely left its mark on our warfighters.īut Rip-It has a dark side. Resupply for the one brigade-sized element in Iraq alone requires 17 C-5 cargo planes doing constant”turn and burn” operations from Rip-It’s warehouse in Connecticut into combat hotspots around the world. A single infantry platoon of thirty men has been known to go through 25 cases of Rip-It energy drinks in a single day, especially when the day’s mission gets weathered out and the Call of Duty server is down again.
And because they come in those little cans, everyone thinks they can drink like thirty of them. “It turns out that a single Rip-It has like 4000% of the recommended lifetime caffeine intake,” explained US Army Surgeon General Cal Ripkin. In a stunning announcement that reverses 14 years of proud tradition, the US Army is pulling the popular energy drink Rip-It off of PX shelves and out of comfort pallets bound for overseas service members.
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